Bracknell Royal Naval Association - When your partner misses the Naval Life

You will find that when your partner first leaves the Navy, he will begin to drive you up the wall....because he is used to routine, things done in a certain way. So to help you with the transition here's how to recapture the atmosphere of the good old days &
simulate living onboard ship once more !

1
Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe and sleep on it inside a small sleeping bag
2
Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that’s too small
3
Wash your underwear every night in kitchen sink, then hang it over the water pipes to dry
4
Four hours after you go to bed, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a torch in your eyes and say, “Sorry Mate”.
5
Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the centre of your bath and move the shower head to chest level. Store beer barrels and undeclared bottles of rum in the shower enclosure.
6
When you shower, remember to turn the water off while you soap
7
Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you are sick !!.
8
Put oil instead of water into a humidifier and then set it to high.
9
Don’t watch TV, except for movies in the middle of the night. For added realism, have your family vote for which movie they want to see, then select a different one.
10
Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day to re-create the proper noise levels. (Mandatory for engineers)
11
Have a paper-boy cut your hair while sitting on a space hopper.
12
Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney. Ensure that the wind carries the soot over onto your neighbours house. When he complains, laugh at him
13
Buy a rubbish compactor, and use it once per week. Store up your rubbish in the other side of the bath.
14
Wake up every night at midnight and make a sandwich out of any thing you can find, preferably using stale bread. Optional – cold soup or ravioli out of a can.
15
Devise menus for your family a week in advance without looking in the larder or fridge.
16
Set your alarm clock to go off at random times through out the night, when it goes off, leap out of bed, get dressed as fast as you can and then run into the garden and break out the garden hose.
17
Once a month, take every major household appliance completely apart then re-assemble.
18
Use four spoons of coffee per cup, and allow to sit for three hours before drinking.
19
Invite about 85 people who you don’t like to come and stay for a month.
20
Install a small fluorescent light under your coffee table, then lie underneath it to read books.
21
Raise the threshold and lower the top sills of all the doors in your house. Now you will always either hit your head or skin your shins when passing through them.
22
When baking cakes, prop up one side of the tin whilst it is in the oven. When it has cooled spread icing really thickly on one side to level it out again.
23
Every so often, throw your cat in the bath and shout, “man overboard”. Then run into the kitchen and sweep all the dishes and pans onto the floor whilst yelling at your wife for not having secured for sea
24
Put on the headphones of your stereo, do not plug them in. Go and stand in front of the dishwasher. Say to nobody in particular, “dishwasher manned and ready Sir”. Stand there for three or four hours. Say once, again to nobody in particular, “dishwasher secured”. Remove the headphones, roll up the cord and put them away.
25
Nickname your favourite shoes “steamies”, then get your children to hide them around the house on a random basis.
26
Make him a drink of Lime Cordial 1 part Water 50 parts Lime add some chalk dust and tell him to drink it down in one, the scrub the decks with what he doesn't drink
27
Hide cans of beer all over the house in every nook and crannie, but make sure they are out of sight
28
When you book your holiday always make him complete a request form and get him to get his parents to permission and sign it.
29
When he arrives home from work in the evening , the first thing you must say is when are you going back!
30
Lend him your old clothes, make up and an old mop head (for a wig) and allow him to entertain the family, always praise and applaud even if the entertainments rubbish....bless him!

Be advised that this could take between one month - two years longer if he was a Regulating Officer!

Signed

X

Related stories:
	Them be Cannon Balls
	Hornpipe - The Navy Play's with Words
	The Demise of Jolly Jack Tar